Hi there, friends!

I hope I haven’t kept you waiting too short, because there’s nothing I love more than prolonging an entrance. Give ‘em just the nubbin’ of a pinky toe for a half hour before you reveal the whole foot, I say. Then make ‘em wait another full hour before you get out the other puppy.

That’s my performance motto.

But as the purveyor of Mental Flexicon, I find that, in my work, I have to wear many different hats. There’s the hat for writing the newsletter. There’s the hat for recording and editing the podcast.

There’s the hat for throwing it in the trash, lighting it all on fire, and cackling as I watch it crumble and burn… only for it to slowly dawn on me what I’ve done as I realize that I have to do everything over.

All over… And there isn’t enough time…

There’s never enough time. And you bet there’s a hat for that too.

Which reminds me, early in my preteens I wrote a philosophical treatise and satire titled Time Should Be Refundable and Other Complaints I Levied at God. I handed it out to some of my fellow classmates, but I don’t think any of them finished reading it. Most didn’t seem to make it past the introduction.

I know of at least one kid whose parents caught him with it, and they promptly shipped him off to bible camp for reprogramming. I think he’s a U.S. senator now. But whether he was the only victim of this particular brand of anti-intellectual injustice, I’ll never know. Since several of the other children I never saw or heard from again.

Which really makes me wonder, where are they now…? I’m still waiting on them to return those manuscripts.

Well, well, well. What goodies have we here?

I’d say it’s pretty difficult not to crack a smile at rhyming pairs like kremlin gremlin and phallus palace, for instance. Don’t believe me? Just try it.

Go on. I dare you.

Put on a straight face. Take your time. Make sure it’s fixed on your skull nice and snug. And then try to hold it like that, without twitching or smirking, as you think the words phallus palace and kremlin gremlin to yourself repeatedly.

I won’t even make you say them aloud. I know you can’t do it.

If the first doesn’t jive with your sensibilities, the second certainly will. And if neither floats your boat, then what the hell is wrong with you? You really need to lighten up. I mean how in the hell am I supposed to entertain you if you make it so goddamn difficult?

Have you considered lowering your standards?

Never mind. Don’t answer that.

Today’s vignettes

1. Returned from her idle quest, for which she never departed, Aisling marveled at the empty lake spread before her. A crater of young fossils embedded in fresh mud. Remnants of a mass extermination no longer submerged.

2. Varnika wrote an entire script, but decided not to share any part of it with the stage director and cast. Instead the illegible dramatist challenged them to deduce the entire play through their own self-guided methods. No one expected it to work, but after the show opened to rave reviews, many involved felt overcome with feelings of satisfrustration.

3. Rick compensated for his flaccid ego by transforming his home into what could only be described as a phallus palace, complete with royal copulator ready to slip Rick the ol’ Ben Franklin anytime he blew the whistle.

4. Francheska spread her fingers wide and curled them one-by-one onto the keys of her destruction organ, anticipating the first ruinous chords of her world-ending fantasia.

5. President Sokolov hadn’t slept since his inauguration, when he’d been briefed on the shocking existence of the Kremlin Gremlin, a supernatural being accidentally summoned by the NKVD during Operation Barbarossa. Unable to banish it, they devised an occult method for keeping it contained within the citadel. But over the years, it developed a penchant for tormenting sitting presidents with baffling riddles and dastardly tricks.

6. The Deathbreed were the offspring of a wounded god, whose body still lies bleeding in heavenly perdition at the feet of its gleeful executioners.

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Well, there’s a weird mix. But I like it?

I phrased my opinion in the form of a question because I’m so cool and confident, like Alex Trebek. And you know who else is a lot like Alex Trebek?

Friedrich Nietzsche. Because they both never should have lost their mustaches. I hope they find them.

Tune in next week for more of what you never asked for and didn’t know you needed. Until then, take it easy peasy lemon squeezy if you pleasey.

And take it back to the shop for a refund if you don’t.

Hungry for more? Of course you are. You’re a hungry, hungry bunny.

Try this…

Previous Issue

Well, thanks to Mental Flexicon, now you can.

Proudly introducing Mental Flexicon the Podcast… Now with real talking mouth!

In every episode, you lucky listeners will receive an audio narrated version of the most recent issue of the Mental Flexicon newsletter for your bemusement.

I meant amusement. Clearly.

Featuring plucky narration riding the edge of completely unhinged and snazzy theme music by yours truly. Tell me, what’s not to love? What’s not to hate?

Either way, we rely on your engagement.

Subscribe now for bi-weekly listenables delivered straight to your inbox and join a community of people who all have very special brains.

This isn’t a request. Do it. Now.

Text Version

Oh, hi! I almost didn’t see you there…

In case you hadn’t noticed, I’m new here. But don’t let that scare you. I’m a perfectly reasonable guy. Unless my saying that makes you less inclined to believe me, of course. In which case scratch that. Alternately, I can be imperfectly reasonable or perfectly unreasonable if either is preferred.

Welcome to Mental Flexicon! A veritable smorgasbord of locutionary delights. And I know what you’re probably thinking. You’re probably thinking, what’s that?

Well, I’ll tell you if you just give me a flippin’ minute…

It’s “mental” because, I mean, c’mon, we’re using our brains here people, but also because what I’m attempting is borderline compulsive. And it’s “flexicon” because, in my own very special way, I’m building a lexicon. An archive of creative locutions. All while flexing my vocabulary muscles, improving my micro-literary flexibility, and indulging in a little good ol’ fashioned showing off…

Or a flex as the kids say.

But I can see you’ve still got that bamboozled look on your face, so I’m going to put it to you straight. Mental Flexicon is a humorous newsletter (and podcast) about word association and wordplay. In each edition, you lucky readers will receive a random selection of invented terms from my daily practice of word association.

This is a creative practice. So if you think all I plan to do is platter overly familiar stock collocations, then how dare you. I would never be so unsophisticated and uncouth. Rather, I strive to provide a more novel experience.

Forget tired old combinations like birthday cake, pellet gun, and Sunday school. Here at Mental Flexicon you’re more likely to be served a slice of catharsis-day cake, fire a smell-it-gun up your nose, and reel in the midst of another personal Sunday crisis.

And who’s to say you won’t be loving every minute of it?

I certainly think you will.

But enough jib-jab. Let’s get straight to biz. But first an obligatory disclaimer:

The following word associations are known, in some cases and in some people, to cause brain tingles. Please cease operating any motor vehicles or machinery before reading further. Here at Mental Flexicon, we believe in your safety only slightly less than our own…

Hey! Did you feel that?

Those were the brain tingles I tried to warn you about, and that I absolve myself of any and all liability for. I promise you haven’t been drugged. At least not by me.

Scientists have yet to determine exactly why certain unexpected word combinations make our heads percolate like fizzy Italian soda, but they all have to admit (some begrudgingly) that the results are fascinating… and so much fun! Feels like lifting the hood of your skull and getting your brain tickled by a troop of finger monkeys.

And who doesn’t want that?

But why stop there? Now that we’ve loaded our locutionary guns, let’s see what happens when we fire them indiscriminately into a crowd of unsuspecting vignettes.

Today’s vignettes

1. Huddled against the sooty bunker wall, Budd rocked nervously back and forth, thumbing the lug of his chaste bayonet.

2. Marlene responded with a measured blend of frank dishonesty and laughable seriousness that was at once disarming, alarming, and poison sweet.

3. Paulette, a petri dish person roughly the size of a hair root, exhibited certain parahuman characteristics similar to complex fungi. Yet, despite the fact she could hitch a ride in his beard and unwittingly cause him a minor skin infection, Grant loved her anyway.

4. The Gasser veered into the GT40 in a strained collision that didn’t appear entirely accidental. Still, the horrific continuity of its aftermath burst forth as if it had been.

5. As the authorities chauffeured him to the unlearning place, Tarmac Dandelion sunk under the weight of his collapsing soul, having realized that Bewilderworld would always remain an enigma to him. One whose meaning no contradictionary, regardless its rigor or comprehensiveness, could ever reveal.

6. In a world all raven black, deep mauve, shadowy violet, and midnight blue, Neel had made the worst possible error—an orange mistake.

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And there you have it. A glimpse into the hidden power of free associative experimental language… I hope you got a chuckle out of it. Or better yet that it put at least one idea in your head you wouldn’t have otherwise had.

Language is fluid. A set of rules made to be broken. And by exploring language in this way, by placing words in unexpected but somehow still meaningful combinations, we can unlock our expressive potential and become better writers, better thinkers, and better friends.

Aww, I feel touched. Do you feel touched?

Please, don’t answer that.

But enough sentimentality. The evidence is undeniable. Clearly this is an important publication that will alter human consciousness forever. How else do you explain all those trippy little brain tingles, huh? They’re literally your consciousness being altered forever!

I’ll stop by later to pick up my Pulitzer once the prize board is done holding it for ransom. But in the meantime, I rest my case and close it too. Mental Flexicon may not be liable, but it’s here to stay and it approves of this message.

I’ll see you next time when you come crawling back for more of what you never asked for and didn’t know you needed. You’ll thank me in the end. Until then…

You’re welcome!

Mental Flexicon, a humorous newsletter about word association and wordplay, will launch Wednesday, July 15th. And I know what you’re probably thinking.

You’re probably thinking, why should I care?

Well, smart-ass, the answer is because, in addition to some amusing ramblings, each issue will serve up a random selection of creative terms from my daily practice of word association.

I call these terms locutions. But these locutions won’t merely consist of stock phrases you’ve seen and heard a million times before. Because here at Mental Flexicon we strive to put words together in unorthodox combinations seldom or never before seen!

Forget tired old combos like birthday cake, pellet gun, and Sunday school. Here at Mental Flexicon you’re more likely to be served a slice of catharsis-day cake, fire a smell-it gun up your nose, and reel in the midst of another personal Sunday crisis!

And who’s to say you won’t be loving every minute of it? I certainly think you will.

But that’s not all! Because in every issue you lucky readers will also receive a gaggle of micro-fictional vignettes showcasing these imaginative locutions in action. These vignettes will cover many genres and tones but are oftentimes humorous, occasionally poignant, pithy, and surreal.

So if you’re a certified word fiend on the lookout for a bit of adventurous wordplay and vicarious inspirational lubricant, then we’ve got you covered like thirty-two gallons of petroleum jelly.

And if you’re a casual reader just looking to have a few laughs, then don’t worry. We have you covered too. And in a substance thrice as viscous!

Oh! And did I mention that an audio version of the first issue, complete with swingin’ theme music, will premier the following week on July 22nd?

Oops! Looks like I just did.

Hello and welcome to Mental Flexicon!

Subscribe early and don’t miss a beat of this sweet locutionary heat!